My daughter did name herself. She picked out her first and middle name. How is that possible you ask? Well...let me back up and say my foster daughter who will be our adopted daughter this December picked out her own name. She had lived with us for over year at this point and it was pretty clear she was not going to be reunified with her birth parents. It took my husband and I by surprise that she changed her name. Here's the story. Two summers ago I was at our local pool. For some reason she wanted to go to the city pool instead of our pool. I was fine with that. I am watching her like a hawk sitting on the edge of the pool with my feet soaking. I see her playing with a girl. They played for a good hour. Both girls looked like they were having fun. They mostly just splashed around no deeper than their waists. The time passes. I told my little one it was time to go. She turned to her splash mate and said goodbye. The little girl said "goodbye Bethany." I though it was odd. That was not my child's name. Now that I heard her call my child that directly to her face I recall her calling that name across the pool. I kind of tuck it in my mind to discuss later. In the mini van with my child I asked her why her friend called her Bethany. My child's response was that Bethany is her real name and people have been calling her the wrong name all these years. Her name is Bethany Marie. First name. Middle name. She than added my husbands and my last name to her new name. The middle name Marie is the same as my middle name. It is a family name and several generations have it. I can understand why she picked this. The other name Bethany, is a form of the name we called our dog....Beth. Putting on my thinking cap later that night I processed this with my husband. We love our fur pup. She is a good dog. She is well loved. In our heads we came up with the idea that our child wanted such a strong connection to our family that she picked names that had close meaning. She was adamant that we now call her Bethany. I spoke with her social worker and her counselor. It was clear we were going to adopt her so there was no real harm in her changing her name. Her birth name is really earthy and out there. A name that would be very easy to find on social media. Even with our new last name her birth name was that unique. In this age of social media I was very glad she decided to change her name. Fast forward 10 years when she has a facebook account or whatever is trending in the future she will have the protection of a new name. We never thought she would want a new name but it makes sense. She has been going by Bethany every since. Due to the fact she is still a foster kiddo her legal name is still her birth name. It drives her crazy when we go into the doctors and she needs to register under her old name. Most places are very gracious to note what she wants to be called but when they forget I can see it is like a little stab to her heart. She has taken off her old life and put on her new one. It is clear from her she wants no connection to her past. I applaud her for being an advocate for herself at such a young age. By the time we adopt her she will have been in our home for over 3 years. She arrived at just shy of 5. It has been my greatest joy to see her thrive and develop. Life is not always perfect with a foster kiddo but then again life is not about perfection. It is about the love and the moments that bring joy to our heart. So to my dear feisty soon to be daughter embrace your new name and your new future! Mommy loves you!
~Bethany is not the actual name she choose. I have replaced it in this post for the sake of her privacy. The real name she picked is just as great!
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With the holidays looming I have advice for all foster parents (and even bio parents). Let go of the Hallmark moment expectations. The holiday, birthday or any event is not going to look like those wonderful movies where everyone sits by the tree smiling all getting along or sitting around the table while another child blows out candles and opens gifts. Now my little was thrilled to live with us from early on. She made it very clear her wishes and she felt safe and loved and wanted to stay with us. There was not great trauma having her move into our home. With that said big holidays and special moments are still hard. Regardless of the situation that caused the child to be removed, there is still deep connections and genetically wired love that foster kids have for their biological parents. First of all she is young. She was 5 during our first Christmas together. Being 5 alone is enough reason to not expect the perfect holiday. THEY ARE 5! I am looking at 50 and still have trouble with holidays. SO MUCH FOOD, EXCITEMENT, LACK OF SLEEP and that is the normal child. Now throw in a foster child (as happy as they are) there is still a piece of them that longs for their bio parents. They could have memories of past holidays or events with bio's and even extended bio families. They could have horrible memories of holidays gone wrong and that triggers feelings. My husband and I discussed this at length. We have a very close family. In each others lives and such. We see them daily. As the holidays got closer we prepared them by sharing our expectations...or lack of them. Our plan was to take our cues from her. She did not have to hug, high five or kiss any family member she did not want to...(we don't make her do that anyway). We told her if/when she was given a gift she was to thank the person. She could sign it if she was feeling shy. She will sometimes revert to using simple sign language when she is overwhelmed or feeling unsure. We also acknowledged the fact that we were glad she was with us but it is ok to miss bio parents. It is ok to talk about them. It is also ok to laugh or cry. We talked with her and gave her permission to emote. To feel. To be herself. We shared with our family that we were not sure how long we would stay. We may need to tap out early. Dinner was not going to be a battle. I brought some of the foods I know she would eat and just prepared them quietly on the side. The Christmas dinner table is not the place to throw down about food! We also brought a tablet. Sometimes when she gets overwhelmed she just likes to play one of her apps. She has several coping techniques for when she is overwhelmed. Drawing. Alone time dancing to her music. Apps on her tablet. We figured the app would be the least hassle. Our normal routine for Christmas was to spend the night at my family's big home. All kids under one roof and then they come down the stairs in the morning and we have this long present opening time. Well that was pre-kids for my husband and I. We were more flexible and could spend the night. Now with a foster kid we felt it was good for us to have our own tree at our home. We invited the extended family to come and see her open her BIG present which was one of those jeeps kids can drive. My family respected our plan and all came over to watch her open the jeep. We wrapped the big empty box and had the jeep downstairs all ready to go. Sure enough she opened it. Saw what it was and went CRAZY! Then we threw on a coats (it was actually very warm that morning) and went downstairs and watched her drive out of the garage like she was a BOSS! Smiles. Laughter by all! To me this was the perfect moment and it did not matter how the rest of the day went. But we still had the rest of the day to get through. I kept waiting for the meltdown. I kept waiting for us to leave with a screaming child but it never happened. Our first Christmas and the rest that followed have been amazing. Yes we have needed to adapt how we celebrate but in the long run it was not a hardship as family does for family. Being a foster child should not rule her life or define her but it is there. Some days are easier than others and we use the tools needed to help her navigate this life.
Food issues. We have them! When our little came to us she weighed 22 pounds at just shy of 5 and she only ate fast food chicken nuggets and anything chocolate. Fast forward a few months and she will eat pb &J sammies. I would buy organic PB and organic jelly and find the good bread on the buy now die later shelf at my grocery store. I would make a ton and freeze them. Pull one out and toss it in her lunch box. It is perfectly fine by lunch! We also got her eating pancakes with chocolate chips. Spaghetti on certain days. Hamburgers with extra ham and ketchup. Not sure where she thinks the ham comes in but it is still funny to hear her order it at a restaurant. She will get on kicks where she will consume massive quantities of items such as green grapes, cucumbers or apples. I kind of go with the flow and keep them well stocked for snacking! Anyway back to the green pancake. I have become an expert in hiding fruits and veggies in food. The perfect example is pancakes. Really by the time you toss it the chocolate chips and toss on the syrup you can not tell what is actually in the pancake. For example last night. My little and I made pancakes for the week. Side note....pancakes will also freeze well. Make them in bulk and put them in a freezer bag and they will be good for weeks. Makes giving your kid breakfast in the morning easier when you are pressed for time! Pull them out as you need them and nuke it for 30 seconds. POOF! I actually say poof when I give it to her! So back to hiding food....I hide all sorts of stuff. Last night I added some organic baby food. (Organic because it was on sale and I had a coupon...I am not THAT mom that only serves organic but try to when budget allows) It is easy to do. Just pour or squeeze your secret food of choice and add water to the consistency of pancake mix. Now when I bought it I looked at the label and it was the usual suspects like apple, kiwi, spinach, pear and kale. I opened it up and poured it right in the mix. Much to my surprise it was green. I mean that kind of green that looks like it comes out the other end of a baby. So what did I do? I added more mix and then some applesauce to even the color out and hoped she would not notice. Picture her sitting on the country helping me pour in the batter a scoop full at a time. This is her MO. She will "help" with the first one and then run off and eat it leaving me to make the rest of the 1,357 pancakes myself. So picture her scooping the greenish mix into the pan. She spilled a little her finger and licked it off. I thought for sure my game was up. No syrup to cover the taste. I waited for the "ewwww" face. Waiting. Waiting. Pancake cooking. Waiting. Nothing. In fact she "accidentally" spilled some onto a spoon and started eating it uncooked. WHAT! It is a miracle. A light shown from behind, the birds hushed their chirping, the angels wept...Ok. Not that bad but in the life of a foster momma we celebrate (if in our hearts only) the small advances forward. So first pancake cooked, cut up and served. Little child happily eating it. Momma at stove cooking the rest of the batch thanking God even in the little things like eating green pancakes.
It is about to get real all up in here! I am up to my elbows in poop. Poop controls my life. How you may ask? No I am not about to share my digestive history. My foster kiddo came to us with bathroom issues. Because she lived such a transient life there was not always a place for her to do her business. She was often told to hold it for long periods of time. Also her diet was not healthy and very unbalanced. When she came to us she weighed 22 pounds being just shy of 5. As a result we have battled her bowels for some time. She would go for DAYS without pooping. Then BOOM! There it was. So over the past few years we have found that a little miralax in her morning beverage has helped. There are some days I need to bribe her to poop. Yes. Bribe. I will admit it I have given my kid chocolate to poop. I am sure it goes against all sorts of psychological suggestions but gosh darn it if she did not do it then poop will rule our lives until she does. For the sake of sanity and less laundry I would bribe her. There was a time when she had been admitted to the hospital for a fever of 105 for 3 days. This constipated her even more. Once her fever broke the doctors said she could go home if she pooped. At that point I would have promised her tickets to Disney World hand delivered by Elsa riding a rainbow colored unicorn. Thankfully she did end up pooping! My husband and I did a happy dance! She has a daily chore chart and on that chart is has a place to mark off if she pooped. Poop. Poop. Poop. It is exhausting. Along with my foster kiddo I have a special needs dog. Yes. Dog. She also has bowel problems. She is on special dog food to help her digestion. Daily conversations with my husband revolve around the color, quantity and consistency of our dogs poop. Yes...color.
Why am I sharing all of this. Foster parenting is hard. It deals with lots of issues such as food and clothing and parent visit and tears and sleep issues and yes even poop! One thing you need to have is a sense of humor. We can laugh about it. We even have taken to assigning a likeness to the poop the little girl gives us. You know you have hit a high point when she says her poop looks like the elf hat of Elf on the Shelf. There have been the Elf hat, a pencil, a pancake (???) a soda can (ouch!) a doughnut, a leaf and countless others. So in the mists of life's poop you need to remember to have a sense of humor. Laugh. Laugh a lot! In the end even the poop is worth it. WARNING....fostering a child is not easy. You are asked to unconditionally love a child that is not your own for an undetermined amount of time. You are asked to provide for them. To navigate their scary new life with them. You are asked to cart them around from appointment to appointment (believe me there are a lot). You are asked to treat them as one of your own. Sounds doable until the but comes.....ready for it....but you have no say in that child's life whatsoever. Most parents are given a year to work their parenting plan. There are always those strange cases. I am talking generally here. A year to correct the reason to having the child removed. In that year they maintain full control over their child. If they say no hair cuts....then no hair cuts. If they say you can't take the child out of state...you can't take that child out of state. No ears pierced. No cell phone. No social media if old enough. Most cases the foster parents are the last to know about anything. In our case we were lucky. We had a wonderful case worker who kept us informed as much as she could legally. We had a fantastic CASA worker who kept our foster kiddo's needs as her top priority. But even with a great team we still were not a party to the case. We were allowed to enter the court room for hearings and such but we had to sit by and watch it all play out. All the while keep loving on a child that could be removed. In our case the parents were not able to complete the parenting plan. Sadly as the year passed it was clear that reunification was not an option. We are awaiting our adoption date as I write this! We are one of the lucky ones. We laughed. We cried. We prayed. We held hands. We cleaned up messes. We encouraged. We spent money. We taxied around. Here comes another but....BUT WE LOVED! Unconditional love. The kind of love that can restore broken hearts. The kind of love that can mend a wounded soul. The kind of love that makes a family!
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