Life with a foster kiddo is not easy but it is fun. Many people think once they get the child they are on their own. This is not the case. There are so many people invested in the wellbeing of a foster child that you are far from alone. This is my experience. Once a month we have a team meeting with our social worker. In this team meeting is the CASA worker, the bio parents (if they show), the parent aid (who supervises visits with bio parents to keep child safe), myself and my husband. Our social worker is fantastic to do this. It gets the whole team together to talk about how the child was doing. How were the visits going. Our social worker does not pull any punches. When bio's were dropping the ball she let them know. They would get defensive and try to justify but she would have none of it! Most meetings I just sit there as I learn a lot by just listening! Once a week our little has counseling. I take her to a wonderful place where we do child/parent physco-therapy. It is a fancy name for child directed play. Every 3 months we have a court hearing. It is required for kids in care. Our judge changed a few times but all were wonderful. The judges mostly listened. They did not say much. They did ask me a few times how the child was doing and I was free to s peak. A lot of times it was the bio parents promising things they would never go through with. Once a mont I take my little one to the doctors. When she came into care she was just shy of 5 and weighed 22 pounds. As you know this is not even close to what a child her age should weigh. She is being watched closely for her growth and normal physical development. We rejoiced when she finally made it on the growth chart! I am happy to report she is doing wonderful and is growing and gaining weight! Once a month it is required for the CASA worker AND the social worker to lay eyes on the child. The CASA worker can see her anyplace. Many times ours would swing by her school to see her in action. The social worker needs to see the child in the home. Part of her job it to make sure we are providing a clean, stable home with all the needed amenities like heat and food! Once a month there is a support group that helps other foster folks to connect and chat. Ours meets over a meal that we have with the kids. Once the meal is over the kids are taken to a gym for a fun time of supervised recreation while we have a meeting. Along with the support group is an advocacy group. This is a group of foster folks working to change the laws and speak out for the kids in care. The support group and advocacy groups are not mandatory but they provide great insight and are great supports. Along with the groups is an entire network on facebook of foster folks to help. In our state we have a very active page. If I had a question I can post it and it will be answered within minutes from other foster folks who have been there. There is also a facebook group dedicated to swapping kid stuff. If you get a child overnight and need XYZ you put your post and the community rallies to help. In reverse if you have an item you no longer need you can post it for anyone who may need it. All free. I have used this resource and have also passed stuff on. My CASA worker and social worker are just a phone call away. I was blessed in the fact that my two have been fantastic. They have been there every step of the way. Now that we are moving towards adoption I am going to meet a whole new team. This is the adoption social worker and her crew. They will be there to provide us with information in regards to changing her name, birth certificates, post adoption support and such. My entire journey has been a positive experience. We did not go into it knowing the outcome but with each up and down we had support. With each court visit we had information. With each support group meeting we had answers. Being a foster parent can not be done in a vacuum. You will need support and connections to resources. You are not in this alone. You will become part of the foster tribe as it really does take a village!
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My little one has lived with us going on 3 years. She lived with me when she was just over a year old for an entire year. She spent 2 years with her bio parents. Long enough to cause trauma. Let me say this....kids are resilient....up to a point. Trauma will effect children in different ways. Most kids coming into foster care have some sort of trauma. After all they were removed for a reason! Our little one came out of the whole drug crisis. Thankfully her bio parents protected her from a great deal. They made those 2 years with them as magical as possible. They would do lots of free things around town. Her bio mom was very artistic. She could draw the most amazing pictures. She would make chalk pictures and sketches that could be sold in any art studio. Unfortunately as much as they tried they could not hide their drug use nor properly care her. I have mentioned this before but it is worth mentioning again...she weighed 22 pounds just shy of 5 years old when she came into care. She was removed for several reasons. I have only touched on a few. Having a child with PTSD is not easy. This is not a label that will define her. It is not a label that will haunt her for the rest of her life. Right now it is a label that allows us to see Beth our therapist for Parent/Child Psychotherapy once a week. It is a label that allows me to share with others so I don't get the judgemental stares from the perfect moms. It is like a tool in a tool belt. It helps us understand one piece of who she is. Our therapist explained PTSD like this....Imagine a child carrying a suitcase. It is roughed up and well worn. In this suitcase is all sorts of emotions and memories. The child will have this suitcase for life. There are times when she will carry it and be able to run and function and play like any normal child. There are times when we need to help her carry the suitcase. There are also times when we will need to carry her as she carries the suitcase. So you get the whole image of the suitcase. There will be times when the suitcase will come flying open. From my experience this is always at the worst times. We will be in a hurry, or in a public place or right before bed! You can not just shove the items back in. When the suitcase comes open you need to take the time to help the child process what fell out. It could be a memory. It could be emotions she can not label. It could be just a good case of the can't help its! Whatever it is, it requires your help in examining, labeling and packing. Sometimes one or two things will pop out like "do you think bio mom and dad are in jail?" "Do you think bio mom or dad will try to come and take me away?" What she needs from me as the adult is to reassure her she is safe, loved and with us forever! Sometimes the spill is much bigger. This usually involves tears, questioning of being loved, total and irrational meltdown. What makes this different from a normal kid fit? Not a lot except the fit is coming from a place of fear and trauma. When our little one gets to this point of no return it has to run its course. She had gotten to the point now that she will ask me to snuggle her. This is where I will sit on our bottom step and scoop her up and just love on her. I will wipe the hair out of her face. I will kiss her forehead. I will sometimes hum to her. Anything that lets her know she is not alone. I will tell her she is loved and safe. I don't use this time to teach her how to handle life or answer her wild questions. She is not in a place to hear it. She physically can not access the reasoning part of her brain. The spilling of the suitcase is becoming less and less the more she is with us. This is something she may always have. The suitcase may someday turn into a backpack so it is not as cumbersome. It may turn into a steamer trunk too. My guess is when she hits puberty with all sorts of hormones and physical changes we may get the steamer trunk. Regardless we have techniques to help her handle it. As she gets older she will be able to advocate for herself more. As I said it does not define her. It does not excuse normal expectations of obedience and following the rules. It just means on certain days and times she needs a little grace as she copes with her baggage. But then again...don't we all?
I have many people ask me why I decided to foster. My story is a bit unique in the fact that I knew the child beforehand. I had a friend, through church, who had just been granted guardianship of a 14 month old baby. Both baby and mother were living with Bert (short for Roberta). Bert had opened her home to homeless mom (for the sake of the story I will call her Sally) and child (whom I shall call Ann) with the understanding that bio mom Sally would give up the drugs. Sadly Sally could not and Bert got a court order for guardianship and Sally was asked to leave. This left Bert with Ann as well as 2 other boys whom she was caring for. Ann was a little delayed. She was just over a year and not walking or talking. I was a teacher with summers off and wanted to help. So I offered to lend a hand. I took Ann to my home. I lived in a big house with lots of family. At my house she had the freedom to climb, jump (yes even on beds) and move! When she would grunt and point to her juice we would give her the words...juice...I would like juice please. We also taught her simple sign language. It was not long until she was spending nights and full time care of this child was on me. I did not mind at all. We had a connection. Her court appointed guardian knew where she was and was fine with me caring for her 24/7. When school started up I had a friend who had in home childcare so it worked out perfectly. I also took foster parenting classes just in case and became licensed. Fast forward a year and bio dad (I shall call Jim) got out of jail and both got a good lawyer and a place to live. They went to court and got Ann back. This was THE hardest thing for me to do. I had to transition her back to her bio parents. It broke my heart. But somehow I knew this was not the end. Since I was not seen as the enemy her bio parents let me still be a part of her life. I would take her for weekends. Babysit while they worked or just did whatever? I saw her bits and pieces. I tried to support as much as I can. Poverty is not a crime. I would buy shoes and winter coats. Mittens. Boots. Whatever I could to keep my finger on this little girl. She would love to come over. She called me ReeRee. During this time I got married and moved out of state. My family stepped up and filled my shoes. I would try to come home once a month to see her. My relationship with bio parents were great. However it was clear as they moved from place to place they were not stable. I could tell they were back into the drugs. My family would keep me posted as well. Heartbreaking. My husband had fallen in love with her during this time as well. We made the decision to rent out our condo a mile from the ocean and move back into the state. We knew bio parents were spiraling down. We rented a place sight unseen 1/4 mile away from my family. We were living there less than 2 weeks when the police did a raid and removed her. Thankfully when Sally was asked if there was a reliable adult whom could care for Ann she gave them my name. Social worker called me and found out I was already a foster parent. I picked her up and our journey as foster parents began. I picked her up and she had on a dirty t-shirt of her mothers and a pair of swim suit bottoms that were cinched by a hair elastic. She was just shy of 5 years old and weighed 22 pounds. Yes.....22! Ann was elated to move in with us. She begged us not to return home. She would cry herself to sleep for fear she would need to go back. My husband and I promised her that there were people working on her behalf to keep her safe. When kids enter care their bio parents have a year to work their parenting plan and fix the errors which caused the removal. Because Sally and Jim were so severe in order for them to visit Ann they needed a parent aid. This is a person who keeps eyes on the child at all times. They oversee the visit and if at any time it becomes unsafe or the parents are unable to care physically or emotionally the visit ends. The idea is parents slowly work to partially supervised visits to unsupervised visits to over nights to getting the kiddo back. Our bio's never made it to unsupervised visits. Sadly through the whole process there was no consistency with visits or staying out of trouble with the law. I will add that at our 6 months court hearing the judge ordered unsupervised visits. My heart dropped. I was so scared and sad because I knew the parents did not have a change in behavior...they just checked off the boxes to get the list done. Thankfully the day before the unsupervised visits were to start they had a surprise visit from their parole officer and were found with all sorts of stuff. This is where their case really unraveled. They went under ground and it was clear they were not able to sustain sobriety. People think a year and done! Not so. After the year is up there needs to be a trial to terminate rights. In our case the trial was 9 months after the year was up. Various road blocks with red tape and serving the bio parents stalled the process. There was a delay with the trial and then finally the trial. Sad part is neither parent showed up for the trial. So we had the 30 day waiting period for appeal. Another hearing and the judge deemed it finished. She was now a ward of the state and able to be adopted. So here we are. Waiting. Waiting for the paper work. Waiting for the red tape. Our social worker and CASA worker have been FANTASTIC!!! I mean honestly fantastic. I know there are horror stories but in our case I have nothing to complain about. They were amazing! We are waiting for the adoption social worker to visit us and work through the process. We are hopeful that it will be by December. I could write volumes as to what we have learned as a family and in time I hope to but I want to end with this. Loving a child that is not your own unconditionally was the easy part. The hardest part was the looming fear that in the end she would go back. If she went back it would have still been worth it. She would have known what a healthy family looked like. She would have known there were people who loved and cared for her....if only for a year. Thankfully she will not have to leave us. We will be able to adopt. We will become a legal family. That in itself is music to my ears.
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