NO....I am not pregnant but I am in my final trimester. I have been expecting for 2 1/2 years. An expectation filled with pain, worry, grief, anxiety, stress....I know...I know...sounds like most pregnancies. However....I have been pregnant with someone else's child. I am a foster mom. I spent a year caring for a child that was not my own. Loving a child that was not biologically nor legally connected to me. Here we are over 2 years later ready to deliver. You see about a year and half ago it was determined that this love of our lives would not be returning to her biological family. Her biological mom and dad could not sustain clean living nor care for her. So we quickly and joyfully stepped up to the plate to adopt. To bring this wonderful child into our home forever. We thought it would happen right away but it was Braxton Hicks. False labor. Because as with most government agencies the process is long and filled with red tape. We have been waiting and longing for the day to call her our own. Well I am beyond thrilled to say that this day in in sight. We had a meeting with the adoption supervisor yesterday and on December 6th, which is our next court check in we will get our adoption day. A day I was fearing would never come! So safe to say I am in my final trimester! I can feel my heart starting to bursting at the seams! We will celebrate that day like most new parents. We will have our family with us. We will take lots of pictures. We will laugh and rejoice. As with most new parents we will forget the long painful road that led us here because in the end we will be able to take our little girl home and share more that space with her...we can share a name and a future!
Thanks to http://www.letstalkmommy.com for hosting Bumps and Babies! Although my bump is a little different it is still something to celebrate!
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Two and a half years ago my husband and I started on a journey. We got a phone call from a social worker about a child we had connections to. This child was being taken into protective care and was now a foster child needing a home. Without thought or regard my husband and I said yes. From early on we fell in love with her. She wound her way into our hearts. As a foster parent we took classes to prepare us for loving a child that was not our own. We took classes how to help a child adjust to our lives. What we could not be taught was how to get rid of the fear. Fear that after a year plus we would have to say good buy to her. We took it day by day. Day one. She was in our home. We didn't have a clue what the future would hold. We just knew that the little girl needed love. We went to court hearings. We went to team meetings. We had meetings with social workers and CASA workers. We took her to doctors appointments. We took her to the dentist. We loved all over her. We worked with our Parent Aid to organize court ordered parental visits. Day one turned into month one. Month one turned into month 3. Court check in. Parents are not doing anything they should be doing but are full of promises. Month three turned into month six. Another court hearing. Still nothing being done that the parents need to do to complete their parenting plan. Visits are hit or miss. Mont six become seven, eight and nine. Month nine was a turning point. Bio parents had a home. Bio dad found a job. Even thought the visits by parents were sporadic and inconsistent the judge ordered unsupervised visits. I remember the moment the judge handed that down from the bench. I thought the floor fell out from under me. Here this whole time the visits have been supervised. To suddenly go from one extreme to the other was unusual. The only thing my husband and I could do was pray and trust. Trust that God had control. When everything seemed to be falling apart we had to blindly let her go. Alone. Unsafe. Scared. It was too much to bear. I remember two nights before her first unsupervised visit. I was shaking in fear. I was a mess. The only thing I could do was crawl out of bed in the middle of the night and pray over this child. Pray for safety. Pray for peace. Pray for God to move in amazing ways. The only thing that kept running through my head was Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper and not to harm you , plans to give you a hope and a future." Over and over I was saying this. God had to have a plan. It could be his plan was for her to go back. His plan for me at that time is to TRUST. TRUST...trust? Send this little girl into the lions den? To parents whom she had not seen consistently in months. Helpless is what we felt. Awaken the next day. A sense of urgency and butterfly's in my stomach. Sad. Scared. I noticed an email from our social worker. With dread I open it. I knew it would have the details on the visit. Now hear me when I say this. It is not that I wanted to keep her form her bio parents. I did not have it out for them. I was trying to protect this child. A child I had grown to love very much. A child who said from the beginning she did not want to go back. She did not feel safe with them. She did not want to go on visits. She wanted to be done with them. I knew as a foster parent the end goal is to reunify. However, I say how unhealthy the parents were. I saw that they only checked off boxes to please the court. There was no rehab. There was no real change. This child was going to be returned to a place that was unhealthy and scary against her will. Up to this point little girl had a parent aid whose primary job was to keep little girl safe at visits. Little girl knew if she felt uneasy or scared this parent aid would remove her. Now we are going to send her with no help? It just did not make sense. I sat down at the computer and opened the email. The only thing it said was "Visits on hold. I have new information I need to check out." Wait? WHAT? What information? What is going on? Frantic call. Message left for social worker. We have just entered a whole new world of crazy! After what seemed like hours I hear from our CASA worker. Apparently, the day before her visit, the bio parents parole officer made an unexpected visit and caught bio mom with all sorts of drug kits. Both bio parents were ordered to drug test. Both came up dirty and both went underground! Month ten and eleven parents can not be found. Month twelve...court hearing....neither parent can be found to be served with termination papers. This means the social worker needs to go through all sorts of hoops to try and locate them. Ads in papers. Registered mail to last known addresses. Just as we were nearing the end of this process mom shows up from drug rehab. Makes all sorts of promises about getting her act together. She looks GREAT! She sounds great. Wants to start up visits again. It is all to much. After all this time. Why? Well I know why. She loves her kid and wants to see her. But at this point it should not be about her. It should be about what is best for little girl. Dare I say thankfully this was just a flash in the pan and she could not sustain drug free life. A few more months and we are all in court again. This time it was the trial for termination. This would determine if the parents rights will be terminated or if the child will go back. I am thankful to say neither parent showed up. The judge ordered termination. This little girl was now a ward of the state. She belongs to the State! After what seemed like an endless battle was it too good to be true? Is she now free for adoption? Can we keep her? Can we finally become the family that she wanted? Yes...and no. Yes...in time we will. No it has not happened yet. Our state has such a backlash due to the opioid crisis the courts and social workers are maxed out. We are in a holding pattern. Waiting for paperwork to be filed. Waiting for visits form the adoption social worker. Waiting. Praying. Hoping. I know in time little girl will be ours legally. As I sit her on the eve of her birth I can't help but feel sorry for her biological mother. As we celebrate this little life tomorrow she will be reminded of a death. A death to her. A death to a family that could have been so much more. I am not sure where either bio parent is at this point. All I know is I pray they will find peace. I pray the will find a way to fill the gap that made them turn to drugs. As we celebrate this spunky child I can't help but think I have been through labor. Am still in labor. I will be in labor until we walk out of the courthouse with the adoption certificate signed. That is when my labor will stop. Because then and only then will her future be secure with us. As I think back to that first night where we held a sobbing child begging us to let her stay I did not know how this would all pan out. I did not know the end chapter. As I reflect back I can see God moving. I can piece together they why's and the how's. The little 4 year old we took in tomorrow will turn 7. Happy Birthday little girl. Mommy loves you. Mommy is proud of you. Mommy and Daddy will always fight for you! I am so glad you were born.
World Adoption Day is November 9th. To raise awareness you are suppose to draw a smiley face on your hand and post it to social media. I did a smiley face on my hand and posted to my media sites. I then began to ponder what that could mean. Why a smiley face? Why not a picture of your kid? There are some pictures of families with their adopted/biological kids with a smiley face on all their hands. Why? I tried to research the meaning and did not really find one. So here is my take. My soon to be child is still in foster care. She is officially a ward of the state. The rights of her biological parents have been terminated. She legally belongs to the state. They will make all the decisions for her until we adopt her. Thankfully we have had her in our care from the beginning and our experience with our social workers and CASA workers have been fantastic! However, as a foster kiddo she is not allowed to have her picture posted for any reason. We used to be able to post pictures of her from behind. Pictures of her far off where you can not tell who she is. The laws have changed to the point where we are no longer allowed to post anything. It may seem strange but if you had your child in foster care would you want to see her face on social media? Would you want to see her life without you? It makes sense. In respect to the biological parents, posting is a big no no! We are sort of in limbo land but still not allowed. As much as I want to post pictures of her first day of PreK, K and 1st, I could not. Yes, she has been with me that long. As much as I wanted to post her picture of opening the Power Wheels Jeep she got last year for Christmas, I can not. Video's I have of her playing the piano, singing, saying the movie lines along with the movie Frozen, I can not. So instead I will keep these memories safe until such a time is I can brag to the world how great this kid is. I will keep my phone loaded with videos that she can watch when she wants. Pictures I can show my friends and family instead of the outer friends on social media. To those mom's and dad's proud of your kid...post away! I love seeing smiles and love of life. But watch out for picture overload when those adoption papers are final! #WorldAdoptionDay
When children are in foster care the biological parents still maintain all rights expect for physical care. In our case her bio parents were still together. At first they would not let us take her out of state. We could not cut her hair. No field trips. No extra sports. She was to have no contact with any of her biological family except bio mom and dad. Now that their rights have been terminated and we are in the process of adoption we are no longer bound by their requests. The maternal grandmother is raising our little ones sister. I have been in contact with the grandmother for several years. As soon as we got the green light from our social worker we decided it was time to get the girls together. The older sister whom I shall call Abby is just shy of 13. A beautiful girl who is into dancing. She is an excellent student. Tall and graceful. The grandmother has done a wonderful job. We were invited to travel a few towns away to do trick or treating with them last night. My little one was unsure as to wanting to go. She wanted to go but in her words "I am so shy around my sister." Meaning she was not sure what to say or what to do. My little one has such a deep longing for a sisterly connection. All we have heard about for the past 3 years was wanting to see her sister Abby. When can we see her? What is she like? Last night was the first contact between the two girls. We were to meet at the restaurant the grandmother owned. We arrive and after the initial meeting she hid behind me...stayed close to my side. There was an aunt and 2 cousins there as well. Two boys. A lot to take in at once. Abby did an amazing job of asking questions. Trying to engage her. The aunt, as well, was very engaging and called her by her new name. All very kind. After a few moments my little bug became more and more at ease. I could see her big eyes taking in the new family members. The time soon came for us to start walking door to door. The first few houses she wanted me to walk with her. Hold her had. After a few more houses she started to talk to Abby. Before long they were walking side by side. I tried to keep back as much as possible to give them time to connect. Grandmother, Aunt and I hung back while the kids went on ahead. Abby, as the oldest, corralled them all from house to house. At one point Abby and my little bug were holding hands. My heart did a little jump. As the night wore on and the air became crisp I thought for sure we were over due for a meltdown but it never came. We walked around for about an hour and a half before we wound back to where we started. In that time fingers and noses became cold. Piling back into the restaurant the grandmother served hot chocolate to our little clan. Lots of giggles over whip cream mustaches. As I saw the time creeping later and later I knew we had to take our leave. As we packed up our loot to head out she gave hugs freely to her grandmother and aunt. She then gave her sister a hug and just rested there for a moment. It was a sweet ending to a good night. I was expecting some conversations on the way home in regards to bio parents but she was actually pretty normal. Chatty. Wanting to know when she can see Abby again without the cousins to do "real sister" stuff. Over all I would say it was a success. My friend asked me if I was threatened or sad that she took such a shine to her sister. I can honestly say no I was not. These people are her flesh and blood. She needs that DNA connection. I am her mommy. Her safe point. Her rock. The fact that we do not share DNA will not and can not change that. I am thrilled this need in her life is being met. In time I hope they are able to become close and have a special bond. She did not grow in my tummy but she grew in my heart. Stay tuned for more adventures from the beach chair!
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